Gender Based Violence

Gender-based violence refers to any type of harm that is perpetrated against a person or group of people because of their factual or perceived sex, gender, sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

Picture from Lagos Post.

Gender-based violence and violence against women are two terms that are often used interchangeably, as most violence against women is inflicted by men for gender-based reasons, and gender-based violence affects women disproportionately.

We as women are currently having a 16 days of activism against GBV, and I sat with some women who shared their story of GBV as part of awareness. If you get triggered easily, please note that the level of violence recorded in this blog post might trigger you.

Good day, I’m Sekhani. Can you please introduce yourself?

Nifesimii: Hi, I’m Nifesimii with two i’s.

Farhan: Hello, I’m Farhan.

If you ever feel uncomfortable at any point, please let me know.

N: Sure.

F: Okay.

What are some of the specific forms of violence you have experienced?

N: Physical abuse, sexual abuse and revenge porn.

F: Emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual assault.

Can you please share your stories or describe your experience in your own words?

N: I once had this ex I dated when I was 15 and he was 18/19 at the time. He was the first person I had sex with and it was through cajoling and coercion. He also used to roofie my drinks so I could ‘relax’. This guy was also really violent and once grabbed and shook me so hard while yelling and trying to coerce me into sex that I had bruises on my arms. He was also really manipulative and shared my nudes on his WhatsApp status with my name and phone number when I broke up with him. I hope he (redacted) slowly and painfully.

F: My dad is really abusive and I was sexually assaulted early this year and then in August.

In what ways have gender based violence impacted your daily life and overall wellbeing?

N: It made me ‘gist’ among my peers then. I really struggled to feel good about myself for a good number of years. Even till now, I’m afraid to go out in my city because I have this fear at the back my mind that people might know him or might have seen the pictures or videos he posted. I’m even afraid to try breaking into the entertainment industry because what if it surfaces again. I’m not the girl I used to be anymore and I have been healing but sometimes I still cry about it because I still don’t understand what I did to deserve that.

F: It has made me hate myself more. I blame myself every day.

Have you faced any challenges in seeking support or assistance after experiencing gender-based violence?

N: Yes. When him and his friends kept on trying to reach out to me, I took it to the police through the help of a friend because I felt like I couldn’t tell my mom or siblings. They pretty much laughed it off and said I should come back when I had a serious case, plus the people who should have been a support system when I was being bullied in school pretty much added to it and slut shamed me everyday.

F: I’ve been too scared to talk about it, so no.

Have you experienced emotional setbacks as a result of the violence you experienced? If yes, please elaborate.

N: I still can’t trust people, not even people who have shown me time and time again that they are genuinely good people.

F: I have been ignoring my needs and just doing things to escape my feelings.

Are there any support systems or resources you found particularly helpful during your journey?

N: The feminist friends I made on twitter helped me feel less alone. Everything I do now, I do for little girls who are just like the girl I was. To be the help they need, the help I never had.

F: I had none. Still have none.

Did the experience affect your relationship with family, friends or romantic partners?

N: It feels like a wound that will never heal, so I just got tired of having to explain everything to new people in my life. I have also stopped trying to find new romantic partners or friendships, plus I block anyone’s attempts at getting to know me or be intimate with me.

F: I’m great at pretending, so no.

What are the barriers you encountered when seeking justice or legal help?

N: Nobody took me seriously.

F: I didn’t seek help because I was scared.

Have you encountered any social and cultural attitudes that made it difficult to seek help or support?

N: Yeah. Coming from a really religious home, I felt alone for the most part because surely my mom would have judged me before even feeling any pity.

F: I don’t want people judging me for what happened to me.

What strategies or coping mechanisms have you found helpful in your healing process?

N: I write, and design stuff. I also sign up for therapy when I can afford it. The beautiful thing is, I’m not where I want to be yet but I’m getting there.

F: I was self harming and abusing substances.

Do you blame yourself for what you went through?

N: I used to. Being bullied and ostracized really makes you look at yourself differently. I thought I was somehow so bad as a person or I wasn’t doing anything right that’s why they hated me.

F: Yes.

How do you envision society addressing and preventing gender-based violence?

N: I really don’t know. With the current sociological climate in this country, it’s hard to imagine society being kinder to women. Sometimes it makes me want to give up totally but I won’t ever.

F: By making it easier for people to come forward with their stories.

Are there any misconceptions or stereotypes about gender-based violence and it’s survivors that you would like to address?

N: Yeah. Just because I’ve survived sexual violence doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy sexual intercourse on my own terms. I hate even bringing up my trauma because I’m not someone who likes to be pitied.

F: We didn’t put ourselves in this situation.

How can communities and institutions better support and empower survivors of gender-based violence?

N: By creating sustainable support groups. What helped me move on from the life I used to have was the ability to craft a new one with a new community.

F: By making sure they get the justice they deserve.

Is there anything else you would like to share about your experience or any message you would like to convey and what advice can you give to women in similar situations?

N: My advice? If they give you hell, show them you’ve been there and back. In the most unbreakable way, don’t fold. You owe it to yourself to rise above everything.

F: I’m finding it really hard to leave it all in the past.

Thank you so much for taking time to share your stories with us, I’m more than happy to let you know that Herbode is a community and safe place for women with different backgrounds and problems, and our goal is to see that every woman has a safe place to go whenever.

Women all around the world experience GBV, and women in this part of the world do not get the proper justice they deserve, hence why we are creating awareness to completely eradicate gender based violence. We have a case of a woman who needs our help financially to leave her violent partner, feel free to donate here.

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Till next time,

Sekhani.