Herbode Sistas: Friendship In Crisis

We had a sit down with L and her best friend of thirteen years who stood by her when she got pregnant and had to get an abortion at the age of seventeen.

They told us all about their experience and how it was navigating the situation together and keeping the secret from the world and their families.

Herbode: Thank you for sitting and having this interview with me. Before I start, I would like to know if there are some things you would rather not discuss.

L: I don’t think so, but I’ll let you know if it gets uncomfortable.

A: Same.

Herbode: Great. So tell us, how long have you both been friends?

A: Thirteen years.

L: Has it been that long? I remember we met when we were both in JSS2, and we’ve been friends ever since.

A: Yeah.

Herbode: That is lovely. So let’s get to the sensitive part. When did you first realize you were pregnant?

L: I was preparing for my senior WAEC when I started getting symptoms. I was 17 then. I didn’t want to believe it, so I just ignored it for weeks till it became more visible. I went for a test at a pharmacy close by, and it was confirmed.

Herbode: Who was the first person you told about this?

L: At first, I didn’t really want to tell anyone because I was so ashamed. Later on, I told my boyfriend at the time.

Herbode: How did he react to this news?

L: For a seventeen-year-old, he handled it better than I expected. He freaked out certainly, but he didn’t leave or anything. Next thing I knew, he was talking about going to meet my mom and telling her and us about getting married. He informed his mother, and she called me and insulted me, accusing me of wanting to ruin her child’s life. It was funny because we were both seventeen, but somehow I was the one who wanted to ruin his life? It’s laughable now, but I was terrified then.

Herbode: Was that when you decided to get an abortion?

L: I knew I wanted an abortion from the day I found out. I just didn’t know how to go about it. I couldn’t go to any adult about it, not even my mother.

Herbode: At what point did you tell A about it?

L: Well, after I told my ex and he told his mother, the whole thing sort of escalated. The woman was basically harassing me, and I felt so alone. I knew I needed someone to talk to, so I went to her.

A: This was like three weeks after she found out, but I don’t hold it against her. It was a really sensitive situation, and I’m even glad that she trusted me enough to come to me about it. We were best friends, but we were still teenagers, so it meant a lot to me that she trusted me.

Herbode: What was your first thought when she told you about it? How did you feel?

A: I freaked out. I know we’ve heard gists and even watched movies, but this was really happening to us. I knew enough not to be judgmental, but I was only surprised cause I didn’t know she was sleeping with him.

L: It was a one-time thing, but life has a way of playing cruel jokes on you.

A: Yes, they only did it once.

Herbode: How did you feel when she told you about her plan to abort?

A: I was terrified. I’ve heard stories of girls who died during abortion, but also, I didn’t know how she was even gonna go about it. We couldn’t talk to anyone grown about it.

L: My ex’s mother was not even an option. When she calmed down, she was talking about me moving in with her to have her baby, and after birth, I can leave the baby with her and move on with my life. However, I knew there was no way I was gonna have a baby at 17.

Herbode: How did you finally get the abortion?

L: I mustered up the courage to go to the same pharmacist who took the pregnancy test. I talked to him and told him I wanted an abortion. Of course, I didn’t do it alone, A was with me. He agreed and gave me pills to take, and we paid him and left. I went home, took the pills, and bled for a week.

A: I think it was more than a week sha oo. I remember being so worried, especially since she was still living at home with her mom, and she didn’t know what was going on. I went over to her place every morning while her mom was at work, and she would bleed all day. I can’t count how many pads we used during that period. I would take the pad with me and trash them on my way out.

L: I won’t even lie, I was really scared. On some nights, I thought I was going to die.

Herbode: what about your ex and his mother? How did you handle that?

L: I told him that I was lying and I wanted to see if he loved me . I couldn’t tell him I had an abortion because I was scared his mother would still go to my mother. He was so angry and his mother called me and insulted me again, lol . She sent messages and I actually still have those messages in my SIM card. She warned me never to speak to her son again and well, I didn’t. I was traumatized already.

Herbode: How did you feel about your decision at the time, and has that feeling changed over the years?

L: funny enough, I hated myself for a really long time. I had to abort because I had no choice at the time and because I didn’t want the stigma that came with teenage pregnancy. I also did not want to prove my mother right because growing up, she always told me I was wild and bound to get pregnant. Right now, I’ve forgiven myself. I realized that I can’t hold it against myself forever and while what I did is considered morally and religiously wrong, it was my choice to make and I made it. I look back and I think I wouldn’t be able to be where I am right now if I had had the baby, and it wouldn’t have mattered if I left the baby with my ex and his mother, knowing that I have a baby somewhere would have affected my life forever.

Herbode: A, how did you feel about the decision then and how do you feel about it now?

A: truthfully, I didn’t like it so much. I didn’t judge her decision neither did I ever not support her through that period, but deep down, I didn’t like it. I was raised in a very religious home and I was really pro life at the time. I believed no baby should ever be aborted and I always made my argument on that. But when it was really happening in my life , to my best friend, I had to choose her over any belief I had. She was more important and I knew she needed me to be a friend and not a preacher. It’s so easy to advise women and girls not to get abortions when you haven’t really experienced the situation we were in. Right now, I’m pro choice. I believe every woman should have the right to decide what’s best for her.

Herbode: What emotions did you experience during and after the process, and how did you cope with those feelings?

L: I cried every day. I could be walking on the street and suddenly I’m filled with emotions and before you know it, tears will start building up in my eyes. I didn’t really have any coping mechanism, I just let time do it’s thing.

A: I know it didn’t happen to me but I cried too, a lot.

Herbode: What advice would you give to someone who might be facing a similar situation?

L: I would say, talk to someone. It really helped me a lot to have my best friend with me at the time. Infact, she applied to the same school I applied to just so she could be near me even though her parents wanted her to attend a private university. I would also advise them to do what’s best for them cause at the end of the day, you’re the one who has to live with yourself, and the baby, if you end up having it.

Herbode: Looking back, is there anything you wish you had known or done differently?

L: Not known or done differently per say. I just wish my mom created a safe space for me to have come to her about what I was going through. My dad died when I was two and it was just the both of us but she always criticized me and made me feel like I was heading for destruction. She had a problem with me wearing trousers and putting on lipgloss and all. I wasn’t even a promiscuous teen. I just had a boyfriend and we did something we probably shouldn’t have done that ended up in a way we didn’t anticipate.

Herbode: it’s been years since the incident, did you ever tell your mom?

L: no, she still doesn’t know and I hope she never finds out. We’re still not close.

Herbode: what about your ex? Did you keep in contact? Did he find out you were lying?

L: we didn’t speak for about three years after then but we started speaking after and no, he doesn’t know I lied. He still thinks I wasn’t pregnant.

A: Somehow I feel he knows she was lying but as long as it rid him of the responsibilities, he was good.

L: Yeah, I thought the same thing.

Herbode: A, I just have to ask , Were there any challenges you faced while supporting her, and how did you navigate those?

A: yes, I faced several challenges. First being that I was very religious like I said, and I was so conflicted in my spirit. I would go home after spending the day with her and cry in my bed. I thought God was angry with me and I felt so guilty. Also, we had other friends and it was challenging being with them when we had this big thing going on that only we both knew. It affected my friendship with my other friends and I think it affected my studies a bit too. We were preparing for WAEC then so I didn’t read as much. It’s honestly a miracle that I made it. With all these, no guilt was as strong as my urge to help her and be there for her. In fact, I was mostly concerned that I wasn’t being there for her enough.

Herbode: How did this experience affect your relationship with each other?

L: it made our friendship stronger. I honestly don’t think there is anything I can’t tell her. That period taught me that she’d always have my back and that I can always trust her. If as a teenager, she had the ability to keep such a secret and be there for me, there is no one I would rather have in my corner. She has never brought up the situation or used it against me even when we have heated arguments.

A: We’ve been so much closer ever since. We tell each other everything and even though we never talk about what happened, it has sort of created this environment that makes us feel like we have each other.

Herbode: What point are you both in your lives right now? Did the experience affect your social life or love life in any way?

L: It affected me a bit. I couldn’t have sex for like four years after that because I was scared. I’ve had boyfriends and I’m currently in a relationship and he doesn’t know about what happened. I don’t think I’ll ever tell him because if we’re being real, it was my experience and I don’t see how it’s any of his business. He has never asked but if he does, I’ll tell him and it’ll be up to him to either stay or not. That experience doesn’t define me and it was a choice that I made and stood by. I work in tech currently and I’m doing really well.

A: It didn’t affect our lives that much actually, it had a little bit of an impact on L at first but she got over it. I’m doing okay and I’m excelling in my profession so I’m good. We’re good.

Herbode: Thank you for having this interview with us and letting us in on your little secret.

L: You’re welcome.

A: You’re welcome.