MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH WITH SIX WOMEN LIVING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS

CONTENT WARNING: SUICIDE.

“It has taken everything from me. Love, opportunity, all of it. I think we need more community. Community needs more money and affordability. Community can’t thrive under capitalism.”

~Shrub

Herbode is addressing mental health issues among Nigerian women. Very on-brand, we know. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I have come to the conclusion that it is critical to draw attention to a few stigmatized and often disregarded mental health issues, which are far more common than you might imagine. We also need to help clarify how we can support Nigerian women who are living with these problems—we don’t call them “suffering” over here. Before I dive into part 1 of this three-part series blog, I think it is vital to remind Herbode readers to always show grace to women who live with mental health challenges. Not only is it the right thing to do, but because there is strength in the solidarity of all women.

In an effort to provide our readers with a deeper understanding of the experiences of living with mental health issues and how they affect daily life, I conducted interviews with 6 women live with Depression, and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Six women with Depression, and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) each offered me a unique viewpoint on what it’s like to live with mental health difficulties.

I start by speaking with women living with Depression.

What is your name or Alias?

“Jimin’s wife.”

“Lilith.”

“Shrub.”

How long have you been living with Depression?

Jimin’s Wife: “Since 2011. But it recently became very prominent.”

Lilith: “Six years.”

Shrub: “For a while now. I’ll say about 9 years. I was 12 when I went through a sexual assault and I started a grieving process that grew out of my reach and became this. At 13 I saw a professional via my mother’s connections who gave me a diagnosis after a few weeks of consults. He also thought it could be linked to neurodivergence.”

Were you diagnosed by a medical professional or did self-diagnose by researching online? (This is a judgement-free zone)

Jimins’s Wife: “Diagnosed.”

Shrub: “I was diagnosed by a professional.”

If you did a self-diagnosis, why did you decide on that instead of seeing a professional?

Lilith: “It was actually difficult getting an appointment and no one took it seriously. It is also quite expensive.”

I understand the stigma around Depression as a mental issue, do you believe that medical professionals in Nigeria are also part of the problem when it comes to having a meaningful conversation about Depression?

Jimin’s Wife: “Yes.”

Lilith: “Yes, some medical professionals are quite desensitized. Therefore, they wouldn’t give you an appointment or even a diagnosis unless you probably must have tried committing suicide and an extreme episode. And most of them are not quite informed on the topic of mental health. It is rarely taken seriously.”

Shrub: “Yes, for sure. My diagnosis came from someone who has left the country, and after that, I tried seeking out other professionals who ridiculed me, sent me back to religion, asked me what I had to be depressed about when I was so young, etc. there was a lot.”

Do you think that the stigma associated with depression in Nigeria stems from the nation’s excessive religiosity?

Jimin’s Wife: “No.”

Lilith: “Yes, religion plays a role. It is believed that depressed individuals just don’t want to get ‘better’ and are just looking for attention, which leads to the whole if you have enough faith in god, you will be ‘cured’.”

Shrub: “Oh, most definitely. A very nice chunk of it is from that.”

When discussing depression or reaching out to those who are depressed, what would you like to see people do differently?

Jimin’s Wife: “Less Judgemental.”

Lilith: “I would like to see less judgment. Because people tend to be so insensitive and they might not be fully informed of what depression is.”

Shrub: “Be more consistent. Be ready for discomfort. I want more people to empathize and remember that we’re trying. I want people to know that service and holding space really does help. I want people to remember that they cannot fix it but they can sit in it with us for some time.”

What are some of the Symptoms of depression that you would like for Nigerians to be aware of in order to stop dismissing or shaming when displayed? (by themselves or others)

Jimin’s Wife: “The constant need to get things out of your head and they’re sad sad things, deep even, that can sometimes make people around you uncomfortable. You’re perceived as having ‘negative energy.’”

Lilith: “Inability to perform daily tasks such as showering, brushing one’s teeth. Bed rotting, inability to enjoy hobbies or anything you used to seek pleasure in. Suicidal ideation or tendencies.”

Shrub: “I’m very functional. I work a few jobs, and school. I think isolation is my biggest marker. Excessive joy from nowhere. Changes in eating habits, size. Emotional detachment. Inabilities to keep in contact. Breaks in routine/habits. I’d like to point out that this applies to everyone, but there’s no evident indication of my mental state aside from this because I wear makeup and show up as I need to.”

How does depression impact you as a Nigerian woman? And what measures would you like to see taken by the state, the community, friends, and family to support Nigerian women who are depressed?

Jimin’s Wife: “I really don’t need Nigeria’s help at this stage of my life. They should help themselves first.”

Lilith: “It has caused strains in my relationship with my mother as I am deemed lazy during my episodes. Even with friends. A lot of us need support, and the state really needs to make medical care very accessible. And for friends and family, they need to offer us more grace and be more patient.”

Shrub: “It has taken everything from me. Love, opportunity, all of it. I think we need more community. Community needs more money and affordability. Community can’t thrive under capitalism. We just need more people. More who understand it, and even some who don’t understand but will lend us ears and arms for comfort.”

Depression can be extremely severe, what are some of the ‘episodes’ that you have had that scared you so terribly and how did you overcome them?

Jimin’s Wife: “The only one I feel comfortable to share is the one that has all of my hostel mates banging on my door. They had to go and collect spare key from the porter. I locked myself in for a week. I deleted WhatsApp, left all group and didn’t have anything to eat. I looked so horrible. I broke my mirror because it was telling me things I do not want to hear. I always want to be alone but it’s very dangerous sometimes. I could end up killing myself at one point. Also another thing is wandering around aimlessly like stray kids, it’s just a lot.”

Lilith: “I had an extremely bad episode where I couldn’t shower or leave my bed for weeks, and I decided to take my life. I was able to overcome this episode with the help of a friend and I made a decision to put effort into getting better at managing myself.”

Shrub: “A few years back, I got into a depressive slump. Not even my functionality was working. I could not eat. I could not leave my bed. On my period I saw with wipes and pads and changed beside my bed. I was like that for months. I drank water and soda that was stored in my room. My showers were wipe baths. I thought I would rot that way. I didn’t overcome them. My best friend came to visit me, and he said nothing. Cleaned up my room. He helped me into the shower and waited outside with a towel. He lay my bed. He listened to me complain. He told me he was there and he understood. He stayed there with me for a week, made me meals, took away decision making for me. He reminded me that it was okay to take it a day at a time. A minute at a time. I still do that. Probably always will.”

Write a love letter to yourself and other Nigerian women living with Depression.

Jimin’s Wife: “I will. But not now because I’m in my feelings.”

Lilith: “Hi, It’s been years since I found out what was wrong with me and all I can say is that it does get better. There can be moments where we can’t tell what day or week it is, but we are all still standing here. Over these past years, you have been able to surround yourself with amazing people, you have done amazing things like asking for help. And all I can say is I am so proud of you, I know you never made plans for the future, but we are in the future and it is so bright.”

Shrub: "Dear Woman, You are strong.

You are brave. You are doing the best you can. I see you. I understand you. You’re not alone. It is hard right now, and I don’t know that it will get easier, but in this moment, humor me. Take a deep breath. Take 5 more. You’re not lazy. You’re okay. Use the wipes and lay in the bed and rot if you have to. Hold yourself. Let other people hold you. A day at a time till it stops feeling like a chore.

I hope it gets easier, for you, for me. I hope that being stuck in a cycle of nothing one day teaches us about rest and down-times. I love you. I see myself in you, and I love what I see. Even if you don’t. Even if you’re not proud of yourself in this moment. I’m proud of you. Well done. You’re doing a good job. It will settle. It will settle."

Love, Shrub.

The second set of interview was with Daniella Ashi, Sinner and Enim, who have all been living with Borderline Personality Disorder for 15, 6, and 7 years consecutively.

Were you diagnosed by a medical professional or did you self-diagnose (no judgments)?

Daniella Ashi: “I was diagnosed by a medical professional.”

Sinner: “I was diagnosed by a medical professional.”

Enim: “Yes, I was diagnosed medically but before the diagnosis, I had self diagnosed and done my own research on it.”

If self-diagnosed, how long did your research take before you came to the conclusion that you are living with BDP?

Daniella Ashi: “A few months.”

Enim: “It took me two years of research and {online} tests.”

What was your first reaction to finding out that you live with BDP? Please tell it in detail if you can.

Daniella Ashi: “It was an overwhelming feeling. It was also anti climactic. It felt like I was in a dark tunnel and suddenly a torch was thrown at me with the instructions; “turn on to find your way out”. I felt relieved, short lived because I unfortunately did not know how to use a torch and so I couldn’t get out. I was also angry that I had carried so much trauma that my brain could not function. I was also scared because I knew there were no treatments and I’ll live with this. I was also glad that at least, my brain was sick, not me. Unfortunately I was also aware that I was stuck with one foot outside a box I might never get out of. I was also bored because okay I know, now what? I’m still not okay. I was now aware I had an illness and my irrationality was not my fault. I was also aware that now, dynamics had changed. I was also sad because I know the stigma attached to BPD. Most people avoid personal relationships with persons living with BPD. All in all, I’m glad I know what it is.”

Sinner: “I did not have much of a reaction, a lot of things just started making sense to me. I did have a hard time accepting the fact that it’s not curable though, coupled with the fact that my psychiatrist had a bias against people with BPD. I still haven’t exactly accepted it, I just try to keep it out of my head most of the time.”

Enim: “Understanding. It finally made sense, all the dots connected. I gave myself more grace and let it sink in.”

What are some symptoms of BPD that you believe that other people do not know about?

Daniella Ashi: “Psychosis. It is not commonly talked about but some people have out of body experiences. For me, when the feelings get too much, I have out of body experiences. Also have hallucinations whether auditory or visual. I have auditory hallucinations, in plain terms I hear voices and not your “conscience” but different voices in different tones and genders laughing out loud. I also used to have visual hallucinations.”

Sinner: “Suicidal PLUS homicidal ideation, hallucinations, splitting, people don’t understand how little can cause it and how much it affects us, people also don’t really get that we have a lack of emotional permanence.”

Enim: “Anxiety Depression Suicidal Thoughts Compulsive behavior (aside from the fact that i actually have OCD) One of the interesting aspects about BPD is it’s comorbidity, it’s a buy one, get all free combo. Irritability Emotional instability due to lack of emotional permanence General discontent Distorted image of one’s self and low self esteem/general dysmorphia Extreme mood swings The most common is the feeling of emptiness.”

Living with BDP presumably affects your daily activities, are there things in particular that are affected by it?

Daniella Ashi: “Yes. The one I hate the most is my mood switches. I feel things so intensely and unlike Bipolar Disorder, they don’t stay in one mood. I can go from erratic, to angry to numb to manic, in under an hour. It affects me because most times I project my feelings unto others and get into very nasty situations. Also, because of these mood swings, I make really stupid decisions. I’ll do it when I’m manic and then, after 30 minutes, anxiety kicks in and then anger and now I’m seething. I go through this multiple times a day. Another one is splitting. Splitting is thinking in extremes, you’re either extremely good or bad, and it changes randomly. For some weird reason, it occurs frequently. This minute I hate something or someone, the next I like it. I’ll give an example. I was having a conversation with someone when I went out and it was going well, the next I split on them and everything they said suddenly became wrong, wrong, wrong because they shared something I consider extreme bad. It’s not, but at that moment it was. I can’t explain it. I’m writing a lot so I’ll stop, but it’s a very debilitating illness.”

Sinner: “Forming connections are really hard, plans have to be communicated to the T or it could cause a splitting and ruin my Day. I have a very horrible coping mechanism (maladaptive daydreaming), it ruins my ability to stay in the present.”

Enim: “My interactions with people. Relationships of any sort. I can multitask dealing with everyday life situations while having a breakdown because you just have to do it. I think I’ve gotten a hang of it or at least to an extent, it doesn’t ruin my everyday life, just interaction with people on a social level.”

Do any of your family members or friends know about your BPD? If ‘Yes,’ do you regret telling them? If ‘No,’ why have you not told them?

Daniella Ashi: “Yes they know. No, I do not regret it. If you can tell me when you have a headache. I will tell you when my brain is ill.”

Sinner: “Just my younger sister, I’ve mentioned it to her in passing but the rest of the family don’t really care to know.”

Enim: “I’ve mentioned to them but they are Nigerians… God forbid, you develop a personality disorder from childhood trauma.. I don’t regret telling them sometimes, it helps them give me grace.”

What are some of the misconceptions about people living with BDP that you would like to correct?

Daniella Ashi: “That we are egocentric manipulators, narcissistic and violent abusers. That we are psychopaths, that we’ll ruin everything we lay our hands on. I see why it can be seen like that. Manipulation involves a calculated attempt to influence, we are too impulsive for that. Also because we tend to do anything to save our relationships because of fear of abandonment we are seen as narcissistic. We’re just desperate really. People are abusers regardless of their illness. Because we tend to have random outbursts of anger, they generalize. We hurt ourselves more often than not. Movies often portray persons with BPD as really violent people, so there are a lot of misconceptions. Unfortunately it is the practitioners that do this. I know how many people that have avoided me so I don’t beat them up. My psychiatrist also delayed for months before she gave me my diagnosis because according to her, she wanted to change me before I got too bad.”

Sinner: “That we’re being manipulative when we split.”

Enim: “Not all individuals with BPD are toxic. There are different variants of BPD; the petulant is seemingly “mainstream” but no, alot of it can be internalized, I have Quiet BPD, so I know. BPD is a trauma response and a personality disorder, it’s not quirky or fun. People have found out about the borderline “favorite person” and now they want to be an fp but it’s not as fun and glossy as they imagine it. It’s exhausting for both parties. So don’t fetishize BPD.”

Grace should be extended to people living with mental health issues, what are the things that you would appreciate that people who do not live with BPD do for people who do?

Daniella Ashi: “Patronize and Romanticize. I know this doesn’t really fall under it, but I hate how people have turned a life threatening illness to a tik tok trend. Talking about how we’re obsessed and so would love them better. How our vulnerability makes us “easier” to fuck. I hate it. Stop that rubbish. Also, treating us like we’re a time ticking bomb, don’t do that. I’m not some fragile glass, don’t see me as my illness, I’m a person with BPD not a BPD person. When a person is sick you see them outside their illness, so why don’t you do that with us? The worst is the change in behaviour. They start to get patronizing and avoidant, I’m not going to hurt you please. Also they start to avoid accountability. There will be situations where they’re at fault and we’re very clearly being rational, they’ll overlook it and turn it to;”OH she’s having an episode again”. It is very insulting. Again stop that rubbish.”

Sinner: “It depends on what BPD archetype and how they’re related to the person with BPD..but REALLY REALLY listening to a person with BPD and helping them feel validated goes a long way in helping.”

Enim: “They should listen to the borderline, they know best how to handle the situation (most of the time) In a case of splitting, they should hold them accountable if they go out of character. They should pay to cure, there are always signs.”

Like many other mental health concerns, borderline personality disorder (BDP) is not well recognized, much less handled, in Nigeria. What advice would you give other women who have BDP?

Daniella Ashi: “That they are not alone. Cliche, but I remember the first time I saw someone say they had it on Twitter, I cried for two hours. It felt seen that I wasn’t alone in my madness, that outside that tunnel, there were other women with torches they couldn’t operate. One day, the world will have detailed explanations on how to turn it on and we’ll be alright. We’ll live despite it. I would also advise them not to internalise, when you read about BPD, you can get sad and scared and start to see yourself as a demon. Do not do that, curb it quickly because unfortunately I did and do not know how to unlearn it. Slowly but surely.”

Sinner: “Having a BPD bestie/community can be really really helpful.”

Enim: “They should find community, validation goes a long way and you get tips on how to get better and optimize your progress.”

How would YOU define BDP?

Daniella Ashi: “As the nightmare that plagues my reality. As Pandora’s box, only no one has found hope, if there is.”

Sinner: “Emotional instability on steroids.”

Enim: “It’s an unending cycle of emptiness. It’s a deep, dark void. It’s just you and the abyss.”

Compose a letter of love to yourself and other women living with BPD.

Daniella Ashi: “Unfortunately, at this moment, I can’t. One day I will.”

Sinner: “A love letter? crying emoji”

Enim: “I love you, you’re enough. You matter, you’re worthy of all the love in the world. The love you give, it comes back. It’s like energy. It can’t be created or destroyed but it changes form. That love you put out, it comes back to you in different forms. You’re working on yourself, you’re trying. You’re a good person. That fact you’re trying is proof of that. You are your favorite person. There are people in your life that would give everything up for you in a heartbeat. You’re not alone. It feels that way but you’re not. You’re important in the grand scheme of things. Earth wouldn’t be earth without you, you make the difference. Eight billion people and there had to be a you, it means you’re a big deal. Give yourself grace, forgive yourself, take breaks, live, laugh and love.”

We are all aware of how negligent Nigerians can be when it comes to mental health issues. Many people living with one disorder or another are disregarded and ridiculed and sometimes bullied for it. Some people go as far as saying that the person is probably just a victim of ‘spiritual attacks’ and is usually advised to take ‘indigenous’ precautionary methods for the ‘attacks.’ Some are told to ‘pray the madness away’ because it is one of god’s tests on humans. Many other unsolicited advice. Barely anybody, not even Medical professionals, sympathizes with women living with these issues, we are accused of being lazy, attention starved, or faking it-which we all know to be absolutely FALSE!

Writing this blog is my way of composing a love letter (or in this case, a 3 part series love letter) to Nigerian women living with these issues. I want them to be seen, heard, and taken seriously. And I hope to do so with this blog and the ones to come. Until the next episode of HERBODE’s Mental Health May, stay happening!

Love, Zainab.