Navigating First-Time Sex: A Guide to a Meaningful Experience

There’s so much fuss about sex, it’s an everyday conversation wherever you go; online, offline, in schools. The pharmacist looks at you with a disapproving look when you ask for a condom , this is of course after he has scanned your fingers for the ring that should give you approval to have sex.

Your mother looks at you in disgust and shakes her head followed by a whisper that sounds something like 'children of these days' , when you ask her a question about sex. For something that is so popular, talking about it is so frowned upon.

You go online and you have conversations about the importance of purity , 'you have to marry as a virgin' , they say , 'your virginity is your dignity and it is your gift to your future husband , he’ll respect you more'. But then you know your neighbor married as a virgin but that has never prevented her husband from raising his hands at her or pulling up the skirts of many other girls in the neighborhood .

So, you are even more conflicted. Does it bring you respect or not? On the other hand, everyone else online is talking about how liberating it is to have sex, they’re talking about how it makes them feel and how if you’re not having it, you’re missing it.

Oh well, it’s time to keep out all the noise and let us have a real conversation about sex and how you should know if it’s time for you.

If you’re reading this and you’re considering having your first sex, the first question you should ask yourself is why? Is it something you want to do because your boyfriend is pressuring you to ? Or do you think you’re old enough now and it is a step you must take? Are you trying to prove something to someone ? Is this an act of rebellion to your religious parents or is it something you must do to show how much you love someone? What is the reason why you want to go down that part?

You can have a plethora of reasons for wanting to have sex but the only reason that should matter is one ; because you want to and you’re really ready to go down that road. It is all about you and no one else has the right to tell you what you should or should not do with your body . It is totally fine to wait till marriage or for many more years before you have sex, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it and you are perfectly normal. However, you should also decide that based on the right reason- because you want to . It is highly fallacious to believe that being married as a virgin will earn you respect or would make you more, no darling, you are already more and you deserve respect , irrespective of your sexual status. Someone who loves and values you will respect you for many other reasons that have nothing to do with sex .

Moving on, if you’ve made the conscious decision to have sex for the first time and you are very sure you’re doing this for yourself, the following are things you must consider and prioritize .

1. Prioritize Consent and Communication:

The person you decide to share this experience with is just as important as the experience itself. You should be with someone who understands that you have complete autonomy over your body and you reserve the right to say no even after you must have said yes.

It is important for this person to be compassionate and emphatic so you can easily communicate with them when it hurts, when you want them to stop and when they should hold on. Communication is key in the first stage because you will feel discomfort and choosing someone who would understand the reaction of your body and the words of your mouth is important.

2. Educate Yourself:

Before engaging in sexual activity, it’s essential to educate yourself about the basics of sexual health, anatomy, and safe practices. Understanding the importance of contraception, sexually transmitted infection (STI) prevention, and the use of barriers such as condoms is vital for your well-being and that of your partner.

You should ask your partner to go with you to a licensed hospital and run series of tests to make sure you are both healthy enough and pose no danger to each other.

3. Take It Slow:

Rushing into sexual activity can lead to discomfort or anxiety. Take the time to explore and understand your own body and what feels pleasurable for you.

Engage in plenty of foreplay, which can include kissing, touching, and oral sex, to build anticipation and enhance arousal. Remember that every individual’s journey is unique, and there is no rush to reach a particular milestone.

4. Manage Expectations:

It’s important to manage expectations when it comes to first-time sex. Media and society often present unrealistic portrayals of sex, which can create pressure or misconceptions. Remember that everyone’s experiences are different, and it’s okay if things don’t go exactly as planned.

Focus on the connection, pleasure, and exploration rather than striving for perfection. It may not be as pretty as you’ve read online or watched in movies. It is important to differentiate fiction from real life and understand that it may not be as wonderful and seamless as often shown.

5. Practice Safe Sex:

Protecting yourself and your partner from potential risks is essential. Proper use of contraceptives, such as condoms or other forms of birth control, can prevent unintended pregnancies and reduce the risk of STIs.

You can decide to visit a gynecologist prior to this experience and get more information on ways you can protect yourself.

6. Aftercare:

After the experience, it’s important to practice emotional aftercare. Check in with yourself to make sure you’re okay, physically and emotionally . Engage in open conversations about the experience, sharing any concerns or positive aspects.

Remember that open communication extends beyond the act itself and should continue throughout your relationship.

You should also know that it is totally fine if you have regrets after this, it is a common human feeling and it does not make you a bad or an unworthy person. Allow yourself to feel, heal and move on.

You may feel regret for many reasons but you should never allow that to make you look at yourself or less. You can always take a step backwards and stay celibate till you’re certain you want to try again, the choice is all yours.

Remember, in this journey, you are all that matters.

With love, Chiji.