Sexual Grooming

We sat down with two women to talk about their experience with grooming, and they had so much to say that would help so many young women and girls out here. Before we get into the interview proper, we want you to understand what sexual grooming is. We also apologize if this triggers anyone in any way.

Sexual Grooming is when a sexual predator builds a relationship with a child or an adult just to exploit and abuse them . The predator usually does this by ensuring that the victim sees them as trustworthy in the beginning. They have a pre planned strategy that all leads to a traumatic end for the victims.

Now, let’s get into the interview.

Hi, I’m Sekhani. Can you please tell us your name and how old you are?

Woman 1: Hi, I’m Shiva and I am 25 years old.

Woman 2: Hi, I’m Khair and I am 18 years old.

It’s so nice of you to agree to do this with us, Thank you. So, at what age did you find out that you were being groomed?

Shiva: I was around 13/14.

Khair: Around 10.

What was your first reaction to this?

Shiva: It felt weird. Especially as this has never happened to me before and I felt so uncomfortable.

Khair: I knew it wasn’t right but I thought it was normal at the time.

Can you tell us how you met the groomer, how your relationship developed and what your feelings towards them were at the time?

Shiva: Sure, He was a reverend father at my church. I was heavily involved in church activities as I was young and attended catechism classes where he would usually be the one teaching us and I was part of those kids he was fond of. You know, like that one cool man that everyone likes. That kind of thing.

Khair: He was my dad’s friend, we just got close I guess and I found him charming and uncomfortable to be around at the same time.

I understand what you mean. Can you please share your story with us? I want the readers to understand what you went through and how that experience has impacted you.

Shiva: He started being so weird with me. I was in secondary school then and I was in a boarding house, so I didn’t have access to my phone till I was home for mid term breaks or holidays. Back then I used this old Nokia phone and he would call and start being weird, asking me if I’ve started having sex with boys now that I had come of age. I was always reluctant to answer but just had to and would say I’ve not done anything and he’ll go on to explain what sex was all about. And he’d try touching me in weird places whenever I was at church. I was so horrified and started to avoid him. Fortunately he was posted to another church after a while and I felt so relieved.

Khair: He was my dad’s friend. He was close to the family, it started as small jokes like I want to marry you and so on but he was preying on me and my innocence. I never thought about it till today. I think I kind of locked the memory of it. What I do remember is that I was scared of him after I told my parents and it didn’t make sense because I wasn’t supposed to be.

What were the signs and red flags you noticed during the grooming process? And was there any moment you felt uncomfortable and knew that something just wasn’t right?

Shiva: The inappropriate questions. Cause that was how it started. Like I was just a teenager and he decided to take advantage of that. And there were so many other girls like me in church who he liked and I think he was grooming them too. Like a grown man asking me about my first kiss and who I had sex with. Even at that age it was so creepy. I didn’t know his age at the time but he was clearly older. He was a young reverend father, I’d assume maybe in his mid to late 20s. I assume, because compared to other reverend fathers we had, he was quite young. He would also tell me not to tell my mom about our conversations, because I was of age then and could do things without my mom knowing.

Khair: I knew from the beginning that something wasn’t right and I’ve had about three encounters of ‘grooming’. I think I always just knew that it wasn’t okay but I didn’t know why it wasn’t and it never made sense to me cos why would grown ass men be interested in a child. That was the red flag.

Did this in any way impact your relationship with people around you, like your friends or family?

Shiva: Not really. I knew how to pretend very well. Nobody ever suspected a thing.

Khair: I think it has impacted my trust in men.

We all know now that getting help is important for our healing process. Have you received any professional help since this happened? If yes, how has that helped you in your healing journey?

Shiva: No I haven’t. I have just moved on from it. I have since learned and known how much of an issue this is and how common it is for a lot of young girls. And I will always spread awareness and call out men who engage in this disgusting act.

Khair: I haven’t received any professional help concerning that. I did when I had my first heartbreak though.

Are you still in touch with your groomer? Did you ever try to confront your groomer about what you went through and let them know that it wasn’t okay?

Shiva: No. I don’t know what happened to him after he got transferred. I do regret not speaking up cause who knows how many others he would have groomed before me and even after me.

Khair: I never confronted them, I was more scared than anything. I’m not in touch with any of them.

How heavy is the impact of this experience on you, and what steps are you taking or planning to take to enable you to move on?

Shiva: For one I am no longer a Christian. Lol. Seeing too many stories about supposed men of god grooming and abusing women just turned me off. I’ve come to realize religious institutions, especially the church, are a safe haven for abusers and they will always have support and I just can’t deal with that. It’s so disgusting.

Khair: I don’t know honestly. I haven’t really thought about it till today. I just take life one step at a time I think.

How did the grooming tactics make you feel about yourself at the time? Did you see yourself being more isolated or acting out of character?

Shiva: I just kept pretending like it wasn’t happening. I felt so scared and worried because I didn’t even know how to say that openly. So I just relished in the fact that I was in school most of the time and was only around during holidays and mid term to cope. Cause I was scared to even say what was happening. And I didn’t think anybody would believe a reverend father was doing such a thing.

Khair: I felt more isolated. It took a toll on my confidence I would say and my mental health.

Did you confide in someone during the grooming process ? If yes, how did they respond and what support did you receive?

Shiva: I only confided in a few of my classmates in school and they just said I should try to avoid him in any way I could which was what I resorted to. When he would call I wouldn’t pick up and stayed very close to my family at church.

Khair: My mom and she stood up for me even when she caught me in like the third encounter, she stood up for me and just knew something wasn’t right. She protected me even when I did not know something wasn’t right.

Did you notice any specific method employed by the groomer to try and manipulate you? How did they maintain control over you?

Shiva: Not really. I think the fact that he was a reverend father, because he was a well respected man in the church.

Khair: I would say what I personally noticed is how charming they seemed.

Is there anything you would like to share or any advice you would like to give to others who may be stuck or trying to survive through similar situations?

Shiva: I advise that they speak up. Confide in someone they trust So if people know action can be taken. I do hope they have access to organizations who can help them in those kinds of situations.

Khair: Follow your gut and listen to that inner voice. Young or not, don’t silence that voice of reasoning in you, even if you aren’t sure whether it’s right or wrong.

Thank you again for sharing your story with us, we are sure it will help a woman or five out there.

Dear reader, you have heard from the women that shared their stories, if you find yourself in a situation similar to what has been explained do not hold back from reaching out for help. Herbode is a safe space for women, and we have professionals that can help.

Don’t forget to share this blogpost to your friends who might need this, we also have a newsletter you can subscribe to.

Till next time,

Sekhani.